Of all the cold beer joints in all the party towns in the world, we walked into Patong, Phuket, which is like (eternal spring break + extrovert full moon) x go-go bars + (souvenir peddlers)². Yes, Patong can get formulaic – fresh, colorful seafood unfurling down the strip as waiters urge you to come to their restaurant, go-go glamor pusses vaulting around poles vying for your attention, the bombastic blare of Muay Thai promoter pick-up trucks, and trinkets, trinkets, trinkets being hustled at you from all directions. That’s Patong to me, a garish, cheesy postcard, except that it’s alive, larger than life. It’s not even worth writing home about.

While dodging SCUBA dive touts and fake Rolex peddlers, I happened to turn my head to the west, and saw this. What a relief from the neon, disco balls and headlights on the other side! I weaved through a sea of tuk-tuks and rushed down to the beach, to erase the sights of Patong from my mind and inceptionize this nature-sent seascape into my consciousness.

Because it’s scenes like this that blow the postcards out of the Gulf of Thailand.

The Gulf of Thailand, off Patong Beach, Phuket.

While Mick and Keith are back with the remastered classic Exile On Main Street with yes a gritty ‘Ventilator Blues’ I need something hot, spicy and just a tad exotic to match the tunes to the taste.

Out of left field come former wild child from California, Hawaii and yes Mexico along with Bangkok’s vaunted Tamarind Café Colin Stevens with his new casual eatery The Burnt Tortilla.

What do they say in Apocalypse Now as they start to head up the river in search of Coronel Kurtz  “one look at you and I know it’s gonna get hot.”

Yes, sporting an armful of colorful tattoos the former hotel trained chef who worked with chains such as ACCOR and Centara as well as tooling his trade at the taco wagons of Baja brings Mexico’s best to destination Phuket.

Charlie don’t surf but he does like his chilies and tapping into a mouth watering selection of 8 different meats from slow cooked pork carnitas to chicken chipotle is  a trip through the pipeline.

Topping it all off are another 8, yes that’s right count em…8 delictable salsas ranging from  verde, fresco, and my favorite Dad’s Holy S—T Habanero salsa.

Sideways sides come fast and furious with tamales, chorizo or for the sweet ones, churros. It’s making me hungry just writing this, as sweat is gathering on my desk, Mick sings wails on “Loving Cup.”

It’s all fresh, it’s all handmade, and yes there are margaritas. Sticky fingers and a scorched tongue are add on’s to this masterpiece of Mexicana. Forget surf noir, I’m all for a bit of food noir at this Cherngtalay hot spot.

The Burnt Tortilla, Srisoontorn Road (across street from Lotus Express, Chergtalay, Phuket (open daily 9 to 9)

Trapped halfway out the in door at Surin’s enVision Wine Bar I feel a bit like a character in Samuel Beckett’s tragicomedy ‘Waiting for Godot.’ Like Pozzo and sidekick Lucky I’ve been warming up a barstool, woops maybe that should be winestool in anticipation of the arrival of someone who never arrived.  

Owner Steven Roberto makes way for Godot at the bar

For me this oasis of cool in the midst of what is becoming a chic bohemian neighborhood near to hotel names such as Twinpalms, Amanpuri and the Chedi is my favorite vinoteque on the island. It’s a casual neighborhood whether strolling down the road to the nearby Lemongrass House’s fantastic selection of spa products or, eats at the Sundowner Café or else watching the sun set at Catch Beach Club.

While the Clark Kent like wine guru at enVision California native Steven Roberto perhaps is more suited for the mockumentary of the spin in ‘Waiting for Guffman. ’ This is the type for place Corky St. Claire might utter “I got off that boat with nothing but a dancers belt and a tube of chapstick.”

Steven’s encyclopedia knowledge goes back to his learning years in Viticulture at the University of California – Davis, along with tenure with famed winemarker Robert Mondavi amongst others.

Life on the fault line eventually drove him abroad and in 2001 he opened a boutique wine business including wholesale to local hotels and restaurants, retail and of course in time the wine bar where I sit waiting…..

Looking for torpedos for my submarine

This place reeks of wine and caters to both this old world traditionalist, new world junkies…be it by the glass, bottle or case. Vertical tastings can be arranged and the vibe, yes that all important missing ingredient is as warming as a large lovely Cabernet.

Phuket remains a crossroad of residents, escape artists, dreamers and tourists alike. It’s rare to find a junction to meet at the crux as it were, but this takes it things up a notch.

The out door manages to hit me in the face on the way out, and while there is no sign of Godot or even his people, I manage to stagger back to my waiting glass of merlot. What’s it that say in ’Sideways “If anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving.”  Perhaps they saw me coming.

enVision Wine Bar www.envision-phuket.co.th

Coffeeism is indeed one of the world’s great religions. Okay while we do have those who’s religious beliefs can best be boxed into the self described tag of Catholic, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist etc…okay you get the gist.  There are far more religions or lack thereof then I can list out here. As for me, I am a coffeeist and indeed a slave to the bean.

Each and every morning as dawn comes up, the sun peaks out from its nightly hangover, and emerges yet again like that fearsome superhero out of the Batcave, I am up in search of my first of many cups of liquid gold.

Despite the Gods of Seattle who don their temples in green and black, not altogether dissimilar to bizarrely enough an Irish pub. While the faithful flock to the altar of sameness I can only ponder the phenomenon arising from that fog ridden place somewhere in the northwest of America to conquer the world.

Drinking and driving could be dangerous to your heath. I take no chances.

We have been spared the plaid clad ghosts of grunge and Cobain, though I ran across Eddie Vedder doing a cameo role in the kitschy spoof ‘The Dewey Cox Story.’ In the old days of colonial ambition it was said “the sun never sets on the British Empire”, though for the true believers who worship the bean as I do, it’s 24/7 globally at the nearest house of the holy.

Despite living on an island, dressing remains a simple task, even for someone as stylistically challenged as I am. Shorts, t-shirt though then dubious complications arise as somehow my collection of Havaianas has risen beyond the magic number of 7, so I am indeed faced with choices that often leave me dazed and confused. Flip flops on; it’s out the door on my profane mission of indeed moving to that higher calling.

My daily devotion takes place at the strangely named Sandwich Shoppe near to my office and the entrance of the glitzy destination resort Laguna Phuket. It’s a non sectarian homey place where good vibes make up for the polish and canned ambience of the mainstream. Believers and non-believers intermix in a strange congregation of locals, tourists and the more then occasional lunatic fringe.

Ever since the dawn of mankind, groups have huddled around campfires in caves or under the stars, telling tales that range from talking about the weather, politics, gossip and gripes. Images from the Stone Age with denizens in a circle create a vivid image. Coffeeism or at least the shape of things to come clearly can be traced back to post evolution society.

The need to gather, talk, read, surf the net or stare aimlessly into space and get wired on coffee remains a common bond at my local. Idle chat, angry debates and when all else fails reciting the morning headlines or glancing at the sky and commenting on rain or shine remains the tribal ritual.

The gangs all here. There's comfort in numbers.

As for the Sandwich Shoppe, coffee, breakfast and lunch, sandwiches and sweets are on offer from dusk till dawn with free Wi-Fi.  And while I do change my place of worship from time to time.  Sinking into the welcoming depths of those earthy toned brown couches or chairs at that ‘other place.’ More often than not I find myself back at my happy place, seeing familiar faces just down the street on my small island Phuket.